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Where the hell is the Switch 2, folks? It’s the last day of October and Nintendo still hasn’t revealed the one thing every fan is waiting for. Instead, we’ve gotten almost everything else the company could think of, from random ports of cult Wii U games to literal alarm clocks. What else could the gaming giant throw at fans while it continues running out the clock on a new console announcement in 2024?
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The signs were there, from mysterious leakers to the company’s own president. “We will make an announcement about the successor to Nintendo Switch within this fiscal year,” Shuntaro Furukawa tweeted back in May. Technically, Nintendo’s fiscal year runs until March 31, but my god, man! Give us a single image of the hardware, an official name, anything! Five months later, fans have survived heart-stopping levels of hype ever since the company ditched its regular September Nintendo Direct and chatter from developers and others about an imminent announcement reached a fever pitch.
With all eyes on the mustachioed plumber, the console manufacturer decided on a different course of action. Instead of revealing the Switch 2, Nintendo announced Alarmo, a $100 device that uses video-game sounds to get you out of bed, at least if you’re single. We got a mysterious online playtest announcement that turned out to be for a weird MMO. On a random Tuesday, Nintendo decided to drop the news that niche Wii U exclusive Xenoblade Chronicles X would all of a sudden, 10 years later, arrive on Switch next spring. And then last night the company busted out even more news: Nintendo music now has a standalone app for smartphone listening as part of Switch Online.
It now feels like time is running out for Nintendo to actually reveal the Switch 2 before the end of 2024. Maybe there’s a small pocket of time in November before the holiday, but why would the company decide to steal thunder from Mario & Luigi: Brothership or its big holiday push to help sell another 10 million more Switches this year. Maybe Nintendo just does not give a fuck anymore, confident in the knowledge that, whenever it chooses to announce its next console, the news will bend the attention economy to its will no matter the manner or timing in which it unfolds. Or maybe this means we really aren’t getting a Switch 2 reveal before mid-January after the holiday break.
In the meantime, here are nine more things I would be less shocked to see Nintendo announce between now and then that aren’t a Switch 2.
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A N64 mini
A Nintendo 64 Classic is “not in our planning horizon,” Nintendo of America’s then-president Reggie Fils-Aime told Kotaku back in 2018. Six years later, maybe the nostalgia trip has finally come into view. Of course I know there are already N64 games on Switch Online. And yes, a series of official, translucent N64s in retro colors housing cheap emulators would absolutely still sell out like crazy.
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GameCube games for Switch Online
Once again, logic would tell you that Nintendo is already investing so much in bespoke ports, remakes, and remasters of its GameCube back catalog that it would not undercut those premium boxed game sales with an all-you-can-eat Switch Online buffet of emulated games. But you and I both know Nintendo is the king of the double-dip and fans will just spend money on both.
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A Star Fox Movie
Last November, Shigeru Miyamoto was out here tweeting about a live-action Zelda movie like he had just woken up that day and decided to make one happen. Well, the best live-action thing Nintendo has ever done was its 2015 E3 showcase featuring Muppets, and while only 10 people in the world are asking for a Star Fox movie right now, I would totally go see one if it went full Jim Henson.
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A remake of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
I don’t even think anyone would be pissed about this one. I will always take a new sequel over a remake, but at the rate it now takes for new games to come out, I wouldn’t be opposed to an Ocarina of Time remake. I’ve been reading the manga based on the game with my kid and would love to show him the original game but I don’t have the patience to teach him those finicky camera controls after the boundless freedom of Tears of the Kingdom.
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Birdo’s first solo adventure
The fans cry out for a savior. Is it Birdo? No. But that wouldn’t stop her from finally getting the solo spin-off she’s earned from grinding it out across all of those multiplayer franchises. I’m imagining a classic 2D platformer where she collects eggs to get new abilities that open up the map, Metroidvania-style. Knowing Nintendo though, a Birdo game will be something so much weirder.
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You can finally watch Netflix
The Switch went nearly eight years without letting anyone watch Netflix shows on it. Nintendo now has the chance to do the funniest thing ever.
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More Mario Kart 8 DLC
Mario Kart 8 Deluxe is still a perennial best-seller. Why finally announce a sequel when Nintendo could just keep turning around all of the remaining levels from older games that haven’t already been added yet? There are still so many to bring back, like Wuhu Island, Dry Dry Ruins, and Double Dash’s Rainbow Road. Nintendo will keep selling you DLC and you’ll like it because Mario Kart 8 Deluxe is one of like 20 perfect games that’s ever existed.
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A VR headset
Every other major tech company and electronics manufacturer is struggling with VR right now. An entire freaking Batman: Arkham Shadow game came to Meta Quest 3 this month and nobody even remembers because virtual reality is a black hole that just sucks up money and makes people nauseous. So of course that means its the perfect time for Nintendo to get back into the market for VR headsets. While Meta and others pivot to augmented reality wearables, I fully expect Nintendo to unveil a 5-pound VR helmet shaped like a mushroom that lets you watch Netflix inside your Animal Crossing: New Horizons house.
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Mother 3
If there’s one company that will never cave to peer pressure, it’s Nintendo. It’s also the one company that will spite fans by waiting to give them the one thing they’ve been begging for until after they’ve started begging for something completely different.
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